Word vomit, second chances, and karate metaphors
A story about the trader who helped me recognize my communication gap and what I've learned since then.
I was a junior engineer at Big Bank about to take on my first big role when I learned that I was really, really bad at cross-functional communication. I’ve been hard at work since then. Today’s post shares that story as well as a list of tips and strategies that have helped me to communicate more effectively over the years.
In which I get some feedback
One of my favorite managers left for greener pastures a couple years after I joined Big Bank. I moped for weeks; he was exactly the teacher and friend I needed as a junior engineer and I missed him. I still miss him. As is often the case, though, a departure above created opportunities below. His responsibilities were divvied up and I was given ownership over our team’s roadmap for one of the trading desks we supported. I happened to be the only engineer assigned to that roadmap but that was a minor detail; I finally owned something.
Before long I was summoned over to the floor by the head of that trading desk. My stomach flipped and my palms left dark tracks on my cheap dress pants. What did he want?
The trader welcomed me into his office with a friendly grin and had me sit down. This is where my memory gets fuzzy - I don’t remember the questions he asked so much as the quality of my answers which were… long. And rambly. And overwhelmingly technical. He would ask me some very reasonable question about a new tool he wanted (I think?) and I would proceed to word vomit programmer nonsense all over him. I think I must have spent well over fifteen minutes talking about how awesome Clojure was and he never once interrupted me. I just kept going and going and going.
At the end of it he told me something like this:
“I have no idea what any of that meant just now but I’m convinced that you know what you are doing.”
I practiced karate as a kid and I remember getting these light taps on the head from my sensei every time I left my face open. The trader’s closing comment felt just like that: jolting and benevolent. I had completely failed to communicate cross-functionally with my number one stakeholder and yet he still opted to work with me instead of campaigning for a replacement. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. I’ve complained a lot about my time at Big Bank in previous posts but the memories I have supporting his desk are happy ones.
Tips and strategies for better communication
I was hugely relieved but it was still a wake up call. I would like to tell you that I became a communication whiz immediately after receiving that feedback but I can’t. Getting a kid to keep their guard up takes a lot of consistent feedback and practice; a lot of playful taps. Learning to communicate effectively is no different.
I’ve written down the mental notes I’ve kept over the years as I continue to make progress on this classic development area one tap at a time:
Know your audience. Think about who it is that you are talking to. What is their background and their relationship to you? Are they a top stakeholder, a teammate, or a peer on another team? Are they technical? What will they understand?
Make it relevant. My trader did not care about architecture just as your PM probably does not care which log you had to pull to debug that big issue last week. They don’t care that you had to sftp into that one EC2 instance and then `sudo less` the log file in question. You should care about those things but none of that is directly relevant to your PM. They will care, though, if your pivot to set up log forwarding bumps their planned feature work to the following sprint.
Have clear goals for the chat. A good goal is not “tell them about xyz.” Why are you telling them about xyz? Is there something you want them to do about xyz? Do you need their input? Their approval? Are you trying to persuade them of something?
Know what you want to say. Now that you have your goals for the conversation, what do you intend to tell them in support of those goals? I will rabbit hole uncontrollably given the opportunity. If this sounds like you, too, then take a moment to jot down your 1-3 very important bullet points and stick to those unless they ask you about something else.
Pay attention to their questions. Speaking of which - pay attention to the questions they ask. Do you know why I don’t remember the trader’s questions from my story? Half the time I don’t remember something it’s because I wasn’t really listening in the first place. I can’t remember something that I don’t retain. My anxious brain heard the first half of a question and we were off to the races. Pause and really hear what they are asking you and then play it back. Follow that with your own clarifying questions to ensure you are on the same page before proceeding.
Structure your message. If you have been asked to provide an overview of some kind then take the time to structure your message. Think about those essay outlines they had us write in school: a quick intro with a thesis and a tiny roadmap, a short list of supporting points, and a brief summary at the end wrapping it all up. Providing your listener with a predictable and familiar structure makes it easier for you to marshal your thoughts and for them to follow along.
Use frequent check-ins. Don’t just follow that structure blindly, though. Build frequent check-ins into the conversation so that your listener has the chance to redirect you as needed as well as ask clarifying questions. Tell them what you plan to tell them. Pause, check that this is in fact what they are interested in hearing about and then adjust as needed. Pause again to check understanding after each point and continue to give them the option to redirect you.
Ask, ask, ask. You are not a mind reader! Ask all the questions! Assume nothing! “What would you like to get out of this time”, “did I answer your question”, and “what did you mean by…” all deserve airtime.
Take a moment if you need it. It can be nerve wracking to be asked a question that requires an in-depth response on the spot. This situation is particularly word vomit inducing for me. Acknowledge the question and let them know that you need just a moment to structure your response. Keep a notebook with you to jot down bullet points for just this purpose.
Say “I don’t know, I will get the answer for you.” Sometimes they hit us with questions that we just don’t know the answer to. I found this super stressful and struggled with it when I stretched into a bigger role at another company several years later. This scenario played on all of my insecurities in that new job. My mentor gave me the above advice and it was a game changer. Give them a reasonable timeline and do your research offline. Come back to them when you have what you need.
They will still misunderstand you. You could be a terrific communicator and this will still happen to a certain extent. Always assume that there will be some discrepancy between what you intended to communicate and what they took away from the conversation.
Wrapping it up
Just about everyone ends up working on their communication skills at some point. I’ve worked on mine since those early days with the trading desk and will probably continue to iterate on it for the rest of my career. If you or your reports currently struggle with this most classic of development areas then I hope the tips I shared above are helpful. If nothing else, though, I hope you were able to chuckle along with me as I reflected on the beginning to my most rewarding chapter at Big Bank.
If you enjoyed this post then please feel free to check out these two somewhat related posts next:
My meeting toolbox
I struggle with meetings. Always have, probably always will. This was a problem for much of my career because that’s pretty much what management was in my experience.
It will become your problem
Today’s article is all about growth, Ownership, and what happens when you suddenly get hit with new responsibilities.